WDBD FOX 40 Jackson MS Local News, Weather and Sports

WDBD Television for Jackson, MS

Joshua Rogers

Joshua Rogers: Coronavirus straining marriages — here’s how couples can survive semi-quarantine

Get all the latest news on coronavirus and more delivered daily to your inbox.  Sign up here. 

It’s two weeks into the national coronavirus meltdown and I’ve got good news: My wife and I still like each other. That’s remarkable, considering the fact that we’re semi-quarantined and living in a world that’s collapsing around us — not to mention being trapped in a house with three kids who think we’re a couple of vending machines.

While we’re just as tired of wringing our over-washed hands as anyone else, we’re still managing to stay happily married. I think it has to do with a few things that have kept us in good spirits so far.

1. We’re trying to enjoy each other. Times are serious and people are suffering but we still need to have fun being together. For example, yesterday Raquel and I jumped on the trampoline while talking about how stressed out we are. It helped to bounce off some of the worry. We’ve also watched movies together, ridden our bikes with the kids and toasted each other while eating frozen pizza. It’s keeping our spirits up and giving us things to look forward to, which everyone can use right now.

IRAN REJECTS INTERNATIONAL HUMANITARIAN AID DESPITE CORONAVIRUS DEATH TOLL

2. We’re being productive. I’m cranking out plenty of work product while teleworking, and Raquel — God bless her — has started homeschooling the kids. We’ve also ordered and assembled furniture, caught up on our to-do list and taught the kids how to do a better job of cleaning toilets. Getting things done has helped reduce some of the angst of being in a world in which it feels like everything is grinding to a halt.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR OUR OPINION NEWSLETTER

3. We’re connecting to others. My wife and I are a couple of extroverts who are constantly hosting or meeting up with friends for fellowship. To make up for the loss of connection, we’ve attended church on the iPad, called friends on FaceTime and talked to the neighbors (from six feet away!) more than ever before. It has helped us get the focus off of each other and remember that there are people out there who need community just as much as we do.

More from Opinion

4. We’re staying informed (but positive). My wife and I are checking our newsfeeds like anyone else, but we’re trying to focus on the positive too. Seriously, you know you’ve been talking about the coronavirus too much when your 3-year-old mentions it at breakfast. So, tonight at dinner we made a point to talk about things that we are thankful for. Afterward, we felt less irritable and a lot more encouraged — something we especially need during these stressful times.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

5. We’re connecting to God. Raquel and I are praying together in the midst of this meltdown. The prayers aren’t necessarily complicated. Sometimes it’s just praying, “God, please protect the most vulnerable among us” and then saying “Amen.” At other times, we’ve gotten inspired by reading a chapter from the Bible (Psalm 23 is a really good passage). I believe that the more we put God at the center of our relationship during this crisis, the more we’ll discover the truth of Ecclesiastes 4:12: “A three-cord strand is not easily broken.”

There’s nothing magical about the things we’re doing to keep our relationship strong during this awful situation. We’re just trying to stay focused on what’s important. Like my wife said at the table tonight: “You know what kids? We don’t know what’s going to happen next — but even if we lose it all, we’ll be OK as long as we’ve got each other.”

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM JOSHUA ROGERS

Joshua Rogers: Here’s why my wife and I still get into arguments – and how we’re growing out of them

My wife and I had only been dating for six weeks when we said “I love you” for the first time.

It happened on an emotionally charged night when we both shared some hard things from our pasts. When we both responded with unconditional grace; the momentum carried us away, and the next thing we knew, we were both putting our hearts on the line.

Our feelings took on even more momentum and only four months after we met, I surprised Raquel on the River Terrace of the Kennedy Center and asked her to marry me. She said yes and we celebrated with family members that night. It couldn’t have been more idyllic — until the next morning.

JOSHUA ROGERS: I KISSED MY WIFE, MY DAUGHTER SAW ME AND SAID ONE WORD I WON’T EVER FORGET

Almost instantly, we went from extending unconditional grace to wrestling for control over the wedding budget. For example, I insisted that we string up Christmas lights in someone’s back yard and cater the event with Subway sandwich trays. Raquel did not appreciate this particularly absurd request (and many others), but at the same time, she often provoked fights with her tendency to be unnecessarily hypercritical.

Things quieted down in the two weeks before the wedding — I guess we were too exhausted from wedding planning to keep bickering. But we didn’t even make it past the honeymoon before we started going at it again.

More from Opinion

In the 12 years since then, we haven’t arrived when it comes to conflict resolution, but we’ve come a long way. Our conflicts have gradually become more constructive and less petty; and in a few cases, conflict has ceased.

As I think about the incremental improvements we’ve made, I’ve been contemplating our growth. What are we getting right, and how can we do more of that? What has changed? There are three things that come to mind:

We’re more willing to genuinely apologize. In the words of Elton John, “sorry seems to be the hardest word.” It’s the hardest word because it’s an admission that I’m wrong. My pride can’t handle that. When I give in, however, there’s a freedom I discover. I don’t have to carry the weight of my precious image. I can, with an apology, actually eliminate the momentum of a fight because an apology often resolves the heart of a conflict.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE OPINION NEWSLETTER

I’ve begun to accept the fact that Raquel’s actually right a lot of the time. When we first got married, every one of Raquel’s contradictory stances called for my opposition. In my view, my perspective was the clearest and rightest one. Yet, as I started reflecting on the times when I had written off her opinion during decision making, I saw that things often didn’t go well. I’ve since done a better job of honoring both of our perspectives. As a result, Raquel feels more respected, we make better decisions and both of us win.

As we work through conflict, we’re learning what always works (humility) and what never works (pridefulness).

We’re picking our battles more carefully. Earlier in our relationship, I was willing to go to the mat about anything — chores, church, restaurant choices — you name it. So much of it wasn’t worth it, and even if it was worth it (like working through wedding budgeting) we went about it the wrong way. Being willing to give up the fight — or at least the way we fight — reduces stress, brings peace, makes our relationship more loving, and with all of that, naturally strengthens our marriage.

When I think about it, actually, our fights haven’t been totally useless. As we work through conflict, we’re learning what always works (humility) and what never works (pridefulness). For example, last night, Raquel and I sat down to talk through our budget — something I was dreading. Our financial discussions have often been as bad during our marriage as they were during our engagement.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP 

But something happened: There was grace. We agreed on many things, and where there was disagreement, we were able to move on without necessarily getting everything resolved. (Speaking of being gracious, Raquel even cut me some slack when I almost fell asleep in the middle of our conversation!)

There’s hope for you and for us. With a little humility, we can continue to make progress — even if it happens one fight at a time.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM JOSHUA ROGERS

Joshua Rogers: I saw a woman do THIS on a train — and it impacts my marriage today

A few years ago, I was on a crowded Washington Metrorail car during rush hour when I noticed a young woman do something that caught my attention. She saw a guy at the other end of the car, waved at him and started plowing through the other passengers to get to him.

When she reached him, they embraced each other and began talking as they remained close to each other. She grabbed the overhead rail and let herself swing towards him. He gently touched her side when she drew closer. She smiled with her eyes and his eyes smiled back. And as I looked at them, something occurred to me: My wife and I need to remember to look at each other like that.

Twelve years and three kids into marriage, our days often involve running errands, dealing with finances, caring for children or just washing the dishes — it’s the business of doing life together. And like anyone who’s doing business, our bodies reflect it. Our brows are furrowed, we don’t always look each other in the eyes, we multitask and interrupt and get easily distracted.

ANN WILSON: SIX MONTHS INTO MARRIAGE, I COULDN’T THINK OF ONE THING THAT I LIKED ABOUT MY HUSBAND – THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING

I want to do what the young woman on the Metro car did: plow through everything that’s in my way to be close to Raquel. To look her in the eyes and get so distracted by love that nothing else seems to exist.

I don’t want to forget the first time I saw Raquel at that hat party on Capitol Hill when she walked in wearing a red velvet cowboy hat. I don’t want to forget my heart racing when we kissed for the first time, and after we pulled away I said, “I don’t think it can get any better than that.”

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR OUR OPINION NEWSLETTER

More from Opinion

I want to remember asking Raquel to marry me on the River Terrace of the Kennedy Center and the two of us laughing for about 30 minutes after she said yes. I want to revisit, over and over again, the moment during our wedding ceremony when she looked at me and said, “Joshua, I trust you. You have my heart.”

At the heart of it all, I always want to remember that there’s a big difference between love growing more mature and love growing stale.

If that couple on the Metro gets married one day, I hope they never stop looking at each other like they did that day among the crowded commuters. But if they’re like most of us, they’ll occasionally get too familiar with each other, pulled away from romance by the distractions of daily life.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

When that happens, I hope they’ll do the very thing I did as I wrote this: Take two or three minutes and relive the early days of their infatuation — the day they met, their first kiss, the proposal and all of the romance that happened after the wedding day.

Reliving those memories will stir up those old emotions, the reckless optimism and the infatuation. And when it does and they feel their hearts racing just a little bit, I hope they’ll stop, forget about the dishes, look each other in the eyes and fall in love all over again.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM JOSHUA ROGERS

Joshua Rogers: My marriage and the most awful, humiliating, embarrassing thing that has ever happened to us

In all of my years of writing about relationships, there’s no story that has resonated with readers like the infamous baby monitor story.

Here’s what happened: Early in our marriage, my wife Raquel and I got into a disagreement while visiting a family member’s home.

We went to the guest room to hash it out privately but we had no idea how badly we were about to embarrass ourselves.

JOSHUA ROGERS: I WAS ON NATIONAL TV TALKING ABOUT MY HAPPY MARRIAGE—BUT MY WIFE KNEW THE TRUTH

While in the guest room, our tempers flared. Unfortunately, I became particularly disrespectful until suddenly, my wife’s face dropped and she said, “Oh my gosh — the baby monitor is right next to you.”

This was significant because the baby monitor’s speaker was sitting in the living room and our hosts were home. I was unfazed.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I turned it off right before we came in here.”

My wife Raquel and I have plenty of weaknesses but one of our great strengths is that we have a relatively high capacity for forgiveness. It has shrunk down offenses that seemed so monumental only minutes before.

Without missing a beat, I continued rehashing my grievances until we got tired of arguing and my wife left the room. Then she immediately returned and said, with icy composure, “I just went to the living room. You didn’t turn the baby monitor to the ‘off’ position. You turned it to voice activation.”

We both felt like we were going to die, hoping that by some chance nobody had heard our nasty argument. In fact, we learned, they had. We were humiliated, angry and mutually convinced it was the other person‘s fault.

Fast forward 10 years and my wife and I were brainstorming about how to begin “Confessions of a Happily Married Man,” my new book about finding God in the messiness of marriage. We wanted to pick the perfect story. There was no doubt: It had to be the baby monitory story.

There was a time when Raquel and I couldn’t have imagined sharing that story with other people. That time was short-lived.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE OPINION NEWSLETTER

It wasn’t long after it happened that we were retelling the story and enjoying people’s horrified reactions. We even shared it on FoxNews.com.  But it wouldn’t have been possible for us to share that story (and plenty of others) if it weren’t for the power of forgiveness.

Raquel and I have plenty of weaknesses but one of our great strengths is that we have a relatively high capacity for forgiveness. It has shrunk down offenses that seemed so monumental only minutes before. It has also, over time, healed wounds that might have done long-term damage to other marriages.

More from Opinion

I wonder if you’re holding any offenses against your spouse. Maybe it’s some of the day-by-day stuff — the selfish demands, the petty slights, the insensitivity. But it might be something more monumental — a betrayal of some kind.

Those offenses can add up like sheets of ice until you wake up one day, look in the mirror and realize that your heart has completely frozen over.

Pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Am I holding an offense against my spouse?” If you can think of something, stop and pray, “God, I know you’ve forgiven me for every offense I’ve committed. Please give me the grace to forgive my spouse unconditionally as well.”

I’m not saying that you should pretend that genuine offenses are no big deal. Your marriage may need serious help. But your marriage will never be in a place to heal if you insist on clinging to feelings of contempt for your spouse.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

In his book “Mere Christianity,” C.S. Lewis writes, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.”

The question is whether forgiving your spouse is going to be more than a lovely idea. If it’s going to be real, jaw-dropping, unconditional forgiveness, something beautiful is eventually going to happen: You’re going to wake up one day, look in the mirror and stare into the eyes of a person who’s becoming more and more like Jesus.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM JOSHUA ROGERS