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So, if you’re the White House press secretary – and thank God you’re not – but if you were, you would have two tasks every day. You’ve got to learn the president’s views on what’s happening in the world so you can repeat them, and then you’ve got to try to remember the names of those weird-looking people sitting in the folding chairs in the briefing room.
So, it’s not an easy job, but it’s not a very rewarding one, either. You’re not making policy. You’re not making decisions. You’re repeating the party line.
Under normal circumstances, it takes a lot more creativity to, say, sell lipstick for L’Oreal than it does to be White House press secretary. They’re all worn out by the end, except under Joe Biden. It’s a totally different job under Joe Biden. The rules have changed. If you’re Joe Biden’s press secretary, you’ve got to be able to think on the fly because your boss can’t. So, every time Biden goes outside, you’re going to be called upon to translate what he said or explain what he really meant, assuming for the sake of argument that he really meant anything at all.
“I know you’re frustrated,” Biden said today, for example. “I can taste it.” What does frustration taste like? An earthy, slightly unctuous blend of bacon notes, mango, and raspberry with an undertone of saddle leather? Maybe. Joe Biden didn’t say. The White House press secretary would know. That’s her job.
Well, to name another example, which United States senators represent the state of Florida and which represent the state of Wisconsin, which is not near Florida. Well, the press secretary would have to know that, too, in case Biden screws it up as, of course, he just did today, etc.
It’s not an easy gig, and it’s a particularly tough job when the topics are serious, like nuclear war.
Karine Jean-Pierre speaks onstage at The People’s State of the Union at Townhall on January 29, 2018 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for We Stand United)
A few weeks ago, Joe Biden pledged to overthrow the government of Russia, which is fully capable of waging nuclear war, possessing, as it does, at least 6,000 nuclear warheads. That’s not a small thing, starting a global conflagration and ending human life on the planet. So, it fell to the press secretary to clean it up. “We are not advocating for killing the leader of a foreign country or regime change,” Jen Psaki explained, despite the fact that Joe Biden had just advocated for regime change in Russia.
So, it’s a lot of power. How did somebody like Jen Psaki – someone so demonstrably talentless, a humorless gender studies major from Greenwich – how did this person get this much authority in our government? Good question. Nowadays it just comes with the job of press secretary.
Just hours ago, Psaki explained that federal law no longer applies to mobs of Biden voters. They get to intimidate all the Supreme Court justices they want as long as they’re on the right side of abortion and we’re quoting now, “We certainly continue to encourage protests outside judges’ home,” she said, and in so saying, reversed hundreds of years of policy and tradition and took yet another blow against civilization and decency.
She could do that because she’s the press secretary. She’s Jen Psaki – or was. Next week she’s headed to MSNBC for a new life as a cable news contributor. Wish her luck, of course. Good luck, Jen Psaki. But in the meantime, you’ve got to wonder who’s going to replace her. Who could replace her? Is anyone qualified? Is there another person in this country as shallow, nasty, and partisan as Jen Psaki is? Well, there is. Her name is Karine Jean-Pierre. Listen to Jen Psaki describe Karine Jean-Pierre.
White House press secretary Jen Psaki speaks during a press briefing at the White House, Wednesday, April 20, 2022, in Washington. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)
JEN PSAKI: First, as you all know, she will be the first Black woman, the first out LGBTQ+ person to serve in this role.
TIFFANY CROSS, MSNBC: The first Black woman and out gay person to speak for the president.
AL SHARPTON, MSNBC: Becoming the first Black woman and LGBTQ person.
STEPHANIE RUHLE, MSNBC: The first Black woman, first openly gay person.
PETER ALEXANDER, NBC: The first Black woman. The first openly gay person.
ED O’KEEFE, CBS: The first Black person, first openly gay person.
DAVID MUIR, ABC: Becoming the first Black person and first openly LGBTQ person to serve as White House press secretary.
Well, you heard it from Jen Psaki. She’s going to be the first “out LGBTQ+ person to be White House press secretary” and thank God.
But before you light a candle and begin tonight’s celebrations, a quick question: What does LGBTQ+ mean? Hey, Jen Psaki, let us know if you have a minute. Explain every letter in that acronym and specifically what it signifies. We will wait. Don’t hold your breath. She’s not going to do it because like everybody else who uses that phrase, Jen Psaki literally has no idea, no clue at all what it means.
It’s one of those terms you’re not supposed to define. One day to start using it: LGBTQ+, and anyone who asks what it means is immediately presumed to be in the out group. It’s not actually a word. Words are meant to signify meaning and communicate it to other people. No, it’s not that at all. It’s a litmus test, and you could feel it. “Oh, you don’t know what LGBTQ+ means? Keep an eye on that person. Hates gays.”
But whatever. Don’t ask questions. Karine Jean-Pierre is our first out LGBTQ+ White House press secretary, and that’s all you need to know. It’s a good thing. Shut up and celebrate.
That’s why she got the job. She’s in the right group, and to the Biden administration, which thinks exclusively in terms of groups and never in terms of individuals, because individuals are messy and inconvenient, the group is all that matters. This is exactly how they pick Supreme Court justices or vice presidents or members of the Federal Reserve Board and now, the all-important press secretary gig has gone to someone on the basis of group. It’s really simple. Show us your picture, and we’ll tell you if you’re qualified for the job.
And in many ways, Karine Jean-Pierre is perfect for the job. Not only is she a member of the out LGBTQ+ community, she’s also critically the product of a private school and an Ivy League college and yet still oppressed somehow. She is furious at America, despite her ample privilege, and enraged by its racist systems of oppression, and she’s happy to tell you about it. Here she is.
White House Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre speaks during the daily press briefing at the White House on November 5, 2021 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Sarah Silbiger/Getty Images)
JEAN-PIERRE: When he got elected, I think people thought we were in a post-racial America and we were not. I think what we learned is that racism was very much real and still very much around and the obstruction that he saw, just the horrible racist rhetoric of having a Black family in the White House was very clear that you felt the hate and you saw the hate. I just think that America has a really big problem with race and it’s very real.
“Yeah, they keep electing Obama and promoting me, despite the fact I have no qualifications for the job.” Lesson, it’s a racist country. Now there’s a word for this, kind of a clever term, it’s called “cry-bullying.” “Stop hitting me,” they say, as they punch you in the face. Why do they do it? Well, they do it because it works. You whine about racism and you get into the best schools. You get promoted and eventually you run the federal government and your presence atop the food chain is nothing, if not evidence, that the country is still racist. It has to be or you can’t justify your job.
Kind of an amazing scam people like Karine Jean-Pierre have going. She’s perfected it. She used to work for MSNBC. She knows the script cold.
Here she is in 2020, yelling some more about racism. Now, if you imagine that COVID came from a lab in Wuhan, which, by the way is true, then according to Karine Jean-Pierre, you’re not a person trying to get to the truth. No. Can you guess what you are? You’re racist.
JOY REID: The easy pivot is race, is ethnicity. You say it’s a foreign virus. I’ve noticed people tweeting “Chinese coronavirus. “
JEAN-PIERRE: That’s what Tucker Carlson said, right?
JEAN-PIERRE: When you look at Fox News, Fox News was racist before coronavirus. They are racist during the coronavirus. FOX News will be racist after the coronavirus. There is nothing new here.
So criticizing the Chinese government, the most powerful organization in the world, is racist? Of course, criticizing the powerful is always racist. America itself is racist. Talking about COVID is racist. What isn’t racist? Well, we checked Karine Jean-Pierre’s Twitter feed to find out what isn’t racist. Couldn’t find much, but we did find a very long list of things that are.
Here is a non-exhaustive sample that we compiled of racist people and things, according to Joe Biden’s news press secretary. John Cornyn is racist. Joe Arpaio is racist. Border walls, needless to say, are racist. Roseanne Barr for some reason is racist. The name Pocahontas is racist, despite the fact it was an actual American Indian’s real name. Whatever, it’s racist. Mike Huckabee may seem nice, but he’s racist.
Federal government shutdowns don’t seem like they have anything to do with race, but oh, they’re racist, too. Donald Trump, racist. That’s a no brainer. You knew that. Jeff Sessions? Also, racist. Brexit? Again, not connected to race, doesn’t mean it’s not racist. It is, according to Karine Jean-Pierre.
Ed Gillespie, former Senate candidate in Virginia, racist. Thank God he didn’t win. Ron DeSantis did win in Florida and that’s bad news because guess what he is? Racist. Steve Bannon? Racist. Sebastian Gorka? Racist. And you know who is most racist of all? Republicans who criticized Ralph Northam for wearing blackface in a Klan outfit. You’re racist if you notice racism, as long as the racist is a Democrat.
Oh, so awesome. Give that girl a big job.
Now, you may be rolling your eyes because you’ve heard all of this a million times before. Ice cream and Shakespeare are racist. But think about it for a second. This is the person the Biden administration hired to tell the rest of us what Joe Biden really means when he says, for example, he’s going to kill Vladimir Putin. How long until this person calls Putin a racist? Oh, she probably already has. How is that going to turn out in the middle of a war?
We might not have to wait long to find out. Here’s yet another incredibly racist thing, according to America’s new press secretary. Of course, it is voter identification laws. Now, you will find voter ID laws in every country on the planet, including in Africa, but that doesn’t make them any less racist.
JEAN-PIERRE: And in order to get these voter suppression laws, besides gutting the Voting Rights Act, you also got to get your people in there to put these awful laws in place. I’m so glad that the Georgia issue is being talked about almost every day now. It’s getting national attention and it needs to, because what’s happening is pure racism.
“Well, it’s pure racism.” Now you honestly didn’t think, we started the show saying, could you find someone more grating, dumber, more aggressive than Jen Psaki, who’s headed off to MSNBC next week? And the answer is, oh, yeah. The Biden administration can find someone even worse. That’s their job.
And just to restate, voter ID laws are racist, according to Karine Jean-Pierre and if you have them, you don’t have a fair election. And we’re quoting: “Reminder,” she wrote, “Brian Kemp stole the gubernatorial election from Georgians and Stacey Abrams.” She wrote that in April of 2020.
White House deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre smiles as she arrives for a press briefing at the White House in Washington, Thursday, Nov. 4, 2021. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)
She said something similar four years before, in 2016. We’re quoting again: “Stolen emails, stolen drone (Stolen drone?), stolen election. Welcome to the world of #unpresidented Trump.” if we’re even pronouncing that correctly, but take three steps back. She used the term “stolen election.” She questioned voting integrity. She engaged in a baseless conspiracy theory. Yes, friend, she did and you know what that is?
We know because we read The Atlantic magazine. What you just heard is a brazen attack on our democracy. It is a disqualifying assault on our norms, our sacred norms. It looks, ladies and gentlemen, like Karine Jean-Pierre is an insurrectionist, a coup enthusiast likely funded by Vladimir Putin himself. Better call the DOJ and get her an ankle monitor.
Just kidding. We take it back. We didn’t mean to question Karine Jean-Pierre – because that’s the most racist thing of all.