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What a marvelous time to be alive. Well, if you aren’t working for CNN+ — sick burn.
But you should consider yourself lucky and grateful. And not just because you’re watching a former Calvin Klein underwear model who also happens to be the king of late night. Although you should be.
Gratitude matters. I even thanked my assistant today by not making her cry when the soup she brought me had only three sliced shallots instead of four. I still threw it in her face.
So do you show enough gratitude for all the great things in your life? Are you grateful for your family, your friends, your proctologist with really slender fingers? That matters. And what about me? Are you thankful for me? Then why didn’t you show it? Why not get a tattoo of my name on your face? What’s stopping you? Your upcoming job interview? Your loved ones? Dignity?
Well, that’s not stopping Luis Angel Hernandez. This L.A. gang member convicted of murder, vows to get the ultra-woke district attorney George Gascon’s name tattooed on his face for shaving years off his sentence. Now he might be lying. After all, he is a murderer.
But it’s great, now we can identify failed liberal policies by the tattoo on our assailants faces. Hernandez had pleaded guilty to murder as well as personal use of a firearm for the killing of a pot delivery person back in 2018.
It raises the question “what other kinds of uses are there besides personal use when you are the shooter?” Last time I checked, Smith and Wesson didn’t have a friends and family plan, but also he killed a pot delivery person. Why not just kill Santa Claus? Am I right, Kat?
True. Gascon is making historic changes for all of us, not just murderers. We pass laws and then he ignores them just like the criminals. And with people like Hernandez back on the streets, we become history too. And if he kills us, all he has to do is get another tattoo.
Your last words could be why would you ruin your face?
But of course, nothing says tough on crime, like getting a ringing endorsement from a convicted murderer. At least someone is finally thanking Democrats. But then again, maybe perps getting tattoos to celebrate skating free is more common than we think.
Initially, this gang banger faced a life sentence without the possibility of parole, facing what’s called several enhancements. And I’m not talking about collagen injections or breast implants. For example, being in a gang should add 10 years to your sentence, but that means, of course, more jail time and in the modern woke handbook, that’s the very worst.
Containing criminals is seen as oppressive, especially to them. It infringes on their rights to go out in mug rape or murder. And do you really have the right to deny them that right? They’re oppressed enough as it is, but in a world with pregnant men, the perpetrators are the victims. After all, we’re just subjects in the left’s great cultural experiment. What happens to us when we let violent thugs out into the general population and eliminate disincentives for crime?
You don’t have to be Matlock or Angela Lansbury or any other TV detective that I have a poster of next to my bed, which is shaped like a race car FYI. Of course, after those enhancements were dropped thanks to Gascon back in 2020, crime and murder shot up quicker than Nikki Sixx three minutes before Showtime.
So hence the show of appreciation by getting a new tattoo. Now, every time someone asks about the tattoo, we ask to tell them “it’s ’cause I’m a murderer.” Well, good luck getting a job, but you got to hand it to Gascon. He’s got some serious street cred. I mean, gang bangers love this lawyer, their victims not so much. But I don’t know if there’s anything I love that much to get its name tattooed on my face. Let me think. Hmm. Yeah. I wonder what Kat would have.
Although details of Hernandez’s new sentence aren’t clear, according to Fox News, he’ll be able to qualify for youth offender parole or “YOP,” which limits his sentence to twenty-five years. And if you think he’ll serve that out, you’re as nutty as a king-sized payday bar. He’ll finish his sentence around the time I finish this one.
This article was adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the April 19, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”