Greg Gutfeld: Elon Musk buying Twitter is great news for fans of free speech

Now to the insane media response over Elon Musk buying Twitter. Even Brian Stelter was pulling his hair out. Sure, he had to use tweezers, but now his back is as smooth as a baby’s bottom. 

I’ve never seen so many opinions and so many bad ones, but that’s the point. You can see them. If the anti-Muskers had their way, you’d only see theirs. They’ve gotten used to social media being their own personal highlight reel. Now they’re about to get online exposure that would make Kim Kardashian’s butt jealous. It does get jealous. 

Isn’t it weird that the pro-maskers are also the anti-Muskers? They want you to cover your mouths at all times while their mouths are open 24 hours like a 7-Eleven where the Slurpees give you cold sores. 

First, let’s listen to the dumbest take in the universe from Ari Melber.

ARI MELBER: I’m just telling you, this thing matters a ton. 

…

If you own all of Twitter or Facebook or what have you. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t even have to be transparent. You could secretly ban one party’s candidate or all of its candidates, all of its nominees. Or you could just secretly turn down the reach of their stuff and turn up the reach of something else. And the rest of us might not even find out about it till after the election. 

Exactly. My God, where has this moron been? He just described how the left has already manipulated social media to push hoaxes and bury real stories like Hunter’s laptop in order to affect elections. Talk about projection. It’s like Alec Baldwin crashing a gun safety course and shouting, “Sounds like someone could get hurt with one of these things.”

And he exposes the problem Musk aims to solve. They’re not really afraid of what conservatives might do to them. They’re afraid because they know they’ve been rigging the game, and now everyone else will know it, too. Hence, the tantrums. Here’s CNN’s lump of mashed potatoes lamenting Twitter’s new freedom. 

BRIAN STELTER: if you get invited to something where there are no rules, where there is total freedom for everybody, do you actually want to go to that party? Or are you going decide to stay home? 

Yeah, we’re going to that party, Mr. Hall Monitor. But picture this fella in high school: “Hey, Brian, it’s Jennifer. My parents are away all weekend, so I’m having a huge bash in my house Saturday night. You coming or what?” 

“Wait, Jen, did you say no adult supervision? Who’s going to moderate alcohol? Who’s checking IDs? Is there going to be loud music? Sorry. I’m going to have to call your parents. Besides, there’s a Star Trek documentary on Syfy network.”

Now, obviously that’s unrealistic. Jen would never call Brian in the first place. She only dates guys who can see their toes. Meanwhile, others worry that Musk has now made it unsafe for women and minorities. And worse, he could bully reporters who modestly see themselves as more threatened than undocumented, non-binary sea turtles. 

SPEAKER: Some are celebrating the deal. Others are concerned a hands-off approach to content will make Twitter a haven for disinformation and hate speech. Musk has used the platform to bully critics and reporters

SPEAKER: And some critics are concerned that Musk’s pursuit of free speech will collide with growing safety problems on Twitter, especially for women and minorities. 

Are women and minorities that weak that they need extra protection from speech? That’s insulting. Then there’s “The View” injecting race into it. 

SUNNY HOSTIN: On Twitter, it is predominantly straight, White men. So when Elon Musk says, “Wow, this is about free speech,” it seems to me that it’s about free speech of straight White men. 

Free speech for straight white men. I bet that’s news to George Takei. But why should she care? She’s on “The View,” which is free speech for dumb broads. A sexist would say.

And even before Twitter was sold, “Morning Joe” was about to morning blow. 

DONNY DEUTSCH: To me when the richest guy in the world takes over the most important social media platform. That’s just not a winning formula. I mean, it reminds me of old Bond movies where, you know, Dr. Evil and guys like that or “Goldfinger,” were going to take over the media. I mean my tummy meter says there’s something just not great about this. 

Musk upsets Donny’s tummy. What is he? Five? You go lie down and Mommy will bring you some saltines. Daddy will be home soon and you can show them how you went poo-poo in the toy-toy instead of your diap diap, ya dope-dope. 

Finally, Jameela Jamil has announced she’s leaving Twitter because Musk bought it, which raises the question, who the hell is Jameela Jamil? We’ll tell her the same thing we tell lefties who always say they’re fleeing to Canada – don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. They’re like drunks getting thrown out of a club, yelling, “you just lost a customer.” Wow, how is Twitter going to survive without a B-list English actress who’s about as popular as trans-fat?

So, have you ever seen so many people freak out over nothing? Maybe it’s not nothing. Maybe they should freak out. They’re gagging on the taste of freedom. And for fans of free speech, it doesn’t get more delicious. Because for so many lazy liberals, Twitter was their favorite restaurant where they could get the best seat in the house right by the window. And if it wasn’t on the menu, it didn’t exist. And your opinions weren’t welcome because theirs needed protection. They tell you to go build your own restaurant, losers. Then they’d call the Health Department to shut it down. 

So, they needed a velvet rope to protect themselves from you. And now the rope is gone. And they are not handling it well. 

STAFFER 1: Yeah. That’s it. Twitter is dead to me. I am deleting my account. All right. I have principles. 

STAFFER 2: Wow. That’s a big step. 

…

Were you just checking Twitter to see if anyone notice you left?

STAFFER 1: No.

STAFFER 2: You were. Oh, my God. You searched “hashtag Kat quits Twitter.” Wow. Zero results. 

STAFFER 1: I was worried. Okay. I didn’t know people would be okay without my fiery, hot takes. 

STAFFER 2 Sure. 

…

Hey, Kent, can I get you to take a look at something real quick? Oh, my God. Checking Twitter on your desktop? You can’t stop, admit it. All of this because you hate Elon Musk? 

STAFFER 1 What’s an “a long musk?” I quit Twitter because it allows extremists and porn and extreme porn. 

STAFFER 2: Really? And this is free. 

STAFFER 1: Yeah. 

STAFFER 2: Excuse me. 

It’s like “Degrassi High.” Between CNN+ imploding and this meltdown, it’s like Christmas in April. And while we received freedom in our stockings, the left got a nice chunk of fossil fuel we call coal. And what a joke the media has become. They think the solution to everything is censorship of words, ideas. That’s unacceptable in a free society. But the reply of “Shut Up, stupid” no longer works and shrieking, transphobic, racist, misogynist is falling by the wayside, too. They can’t control us anymore. Now they’re losing control of themselves. 

They’re a clown car — overstuffed and broken down on the side of the road, watching a Tesla zoom by. So welcome to the Freedom Party, lefties. I’m the First Amendment. Nice to finally meet you.